What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. I lie. To everyone. Tiny, intricate white lies that pile on top of one another until they fall over and crush me. Since I’ve never been one for being crushed, it’s time to start coming clean…
I’m 28 years old and I live at home with my folks. I always have. I’ve never lived anywhere else save for the room that my brother and I shared until he moved out at 17. I’ve never had any sort of roommate other than him. I probably could have afforded to eek out a pretty shitty existence in a tiny studio apartment eating ramen for the past couple years, but that never sounded all that appealing. Before that I’d had enough amassed enough debt that I couldn’t manage to even think about doing anything like that.
Thru all of this, my folks have been wonderful and understanding — but I know I need to get out there and be an adult. Other than the past 9 months worth of car payments and insurance, I don’t think I have an ounce of adult responsibility in me. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s not good.
Some of you already know this. But almost everyone I’ve met in the past few years has been fed a mistruth when my living situation comes up for discussion. I tell people that I lived on my own for a bit, but I moved home to help with my mom after she came out of the hospital. This way, I come off like the good son instead of the loser who has been too afraid and broke to leave the nest. Sometimes the lie changed a tiny bit to suit the audience, but for the most part, that was it.
[To keep myself from sounding too horrible, my mom did go into the hospital a few years back. And when she got out, I was here to help her recover — but I never moved back like I said I had. I’m not a monster, honest.]
So for those of you who I told this to, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for not being able to man up and tell you about my situation. I know in a lot of cases, it’s not that big of a deal. But in one case, it may have cost me the trust and love of the only girl who has ever managed to love me as much as I love her.
I’d get into it more, but I really don’t have the strength or the will to write another word about it. I’m running on autopilot at this point. Besides, it’s a private issue for the most part. I just figured that if I was going to come clean with her, I may as well come clean with you guys too.
I’m sorry Sarah. I’m sorry everyone. If you feel like you can’t trust me anymore, I understand.
It looks like my insecurities have gotten the better of me yet again. And while I know that it’s easier said than done, it’s time to shed those insecurities and grow up. It’s time for me to be a man.