Jason Cosper

Semper fudge.

Purgatory

I damn near had a blistering Larry David style rant moment at the grocery store this afternoon. After getting into the express line with a single bag of cough drops, I notice that the middle-aged lady in front of me has made a mockery of the “15 items or less policy”. Okay, I’m not in any sort of rush. I’ll let it slide.

Then, after the cashier rings up everything she perks up and says, “Oh, I have coupons!” and proceeds to hand the guy behind the counter a stack for at least a dozen things. Still, I refuse to lose my cool. The Dude abides.

When she goes for her checkbook to pay tho, I start to get a little bent.

“Now, I can write this for up to $50 over?” she asks.
“Yeah, but I have to call my manager over for approval.” the cashier responds.
She ponders this for a bit while filling out her check and then hands it to him.

It’s for $50 over.

The cashier — also starting to get visibly flustered — calls his manager to his register. The manager keys in a code and the check processes thru. Everyone in line can see the light at the end of the tunnel when the cashier gets out two twenties and two fives.

“Can I get that in fives?” the lady chirps, oblivious to everyone’s sighs, groans and forehead slaps.
“Yeah, alright…” the cashier defeatedly replies. “5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40-45-50 is your change.”

As she stuffs the money into her wallet, and we all prepare to get this person out of our lives, she pulls two twenties out of her wallet and says, “Before you close that, do you have enough fives to change these out?”

Are you fucking kidding me?! I feel like snapping off some snide remark or schooling the gal on the finer points of express aisle etiquette, but I’m just dumbstruck at the spectacle that has unfolded before me.

The guy pulls out a stack of paper-clipped fivers and counts off even faster, “510152025303540.”

“Thanks,” she responds. And then to nobody in particular she yammers on, “I owe a bunch of coworkers lunch tomorrow, so I thought I’d just—”
“Miss,” the manager interrupts “I’m sure these people would love to hear your story, but they’ve been waiting in line for 5 minutes while you took care of what you needed to.”
“How rude! I’m never going to shop here again!” she crows cramming her money into her wallet and storming out of the store.

I’ve never heard a line of people at the supermarket break out in applause before, but there’s a first time for everything, I guess…

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